Jokes

[DJForbes]

Q: Did you hear about the earthquake in Haiti?

A: It caused $100 million worth of improvements!


A local witch doctor claimed responsibility for the 7.0 quake. He stated he put all of his voo doo dolls in the washing machine at the same time.


What did Kanye West say to the Earthquake in Haiti?

I'm sorry earthquake, but hurricane Katrina was the best natural disaster of all times.

[deanzer1]

i am the same as the people in hati after 13 aftershocks i cant remember were i live either

[xastuliax]

Alcohol and Hot Dogs
One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog."

The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"

The first says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my Gentleman sausage - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!"

The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me."

So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back.

The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, "We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor."

The first drunk says, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!"

[xastuliax]

A man comes to a local paintball field, asking how he can play for free. The field owner says, "Get me a sheep, and you can play for free, for the rest of your life." The player didn't want to know why the owner wanted a sheep, but if it would get him free play for life, he didn't really care.

Next door to the field was a huge sheep ranch, so the player went there. He met the shepherd in the field, tending his flock. "Those are nice sheep," the player stated.

"They should be," the shepherd said, "they're worth $5,000.00 a head."

The player was amazed, undaunted, he wanted to get a sheep, but what was the sense of paying five grand to play for free? "I tell you what," the player suggested, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"

The shepherd agreed and the player made his guess, "Four hundred and forty-three." The farmer was amazed, that's exactly how many sheep he had in this particular pasture. The player went into the flock to collect his prize.

The farmer stopped him and said, "If I can guess what you do, will you give me back the sheep?" The player agreed, to which the farmer proudly stated, "You're a professional Paintball tournament player."

"You're right," said the player, "How'd you know?"

To which the farmer replied, "Put the dog down and I'll tell you."

[DJForbes]

You might be a paintball geek if.........
Hey i got this off of paintball geeks.com But i think it is all true!

1. I refer to my paintball gun as a marker.
2. When buying paint I inspect the goods for freshness as though they were vegetables.
3. I have named my gun.
4. I have slept with my gun or other gear.
5. I commonly wear paintball clothing in public.
6. I talk to my gun.
7. My paintball gun/marker has more upgrades than my car.
8. I prefer going out more with my paintball gun/marker than my girlfriend or wife.
9. I drive by the local field just for the heck of it.
10. I love the smell of a paintball field.
11. I love the smell of Co2 or Compressed Air.
12. I discharge Co2 bottles to cool beverages.
13. My gun/marker is worth more than my car/bike.
14. 23 shots per second isn't fast enough, technology can do better.
15. I know what a warp loader is.
16. When meeting new people I look for vunerability.
17. ALL of my friends play paintball.
18. I subscribe to at least one paintball magazine.
19. I can discuss the differences and qualities of paintballs for more than an hour.
20. I have won a paintball tournament.
21. I have gotten paid or sponsored to play paintball.
22. I want to get paid or sponsored to play paintball.
23. All the trees in my backyard have paint splats on them.
24. Paintball should be an Olympic Sport.
25. I'd rather be playing paintball, right now.
26. I decorated my room/house with a paintball gun.
27. My paintball gun hangs in my pickup truck.
28. I think nothing of firing my paintball gun in my house.
29. My paintball gun is aways in my hands.
30. I wear my paintball gun like it was jewelry, I always have it with me.
31. I have, or have seriously thought about, taking my girlfriend or a woman on a date, which included playing paintball at my local paintball field.
32. Without me my gun is useless

[DJForbes]

This guy had to have a brain transplant, and he told the doctor that money was no object and that he wanted the best brain available.
"Okay," the doctor said, "We have a heart surgeon's brain for ten thousand dollars, a nuclear scientist's brain for one hundred thousand dollars and a professional paintball referree's brain for one million dollars."
The patient was dumbfounded, "Why is the professional paintball referree's brain worth more than surgeon's or scientist's?" The doctor replied, "The professional paintball referree's brain has never been used."

[DJForbes]

"I think Jim cheats at airsoft."

"Really?"

"Yeah. He doesn't admit it when he's been hit."

"How do you know?"

"Well, I played airsoft with him last week."

"So?"

"But this week I made him play paintball."

[DJForbes]

A couple of team mates were going to the local paintball store and they stopped by the team
captain's house, to pick him up. As they were leaving, the team captain's wife said, "Have fun, and don't spend any money."
To which the captain remarked, "Make up your mind."


Did you hear about the guy whose wife let him play paintball as much as he wanted to and didn't
complain about how much money he spent on equipment?
Neither did I.


Q: How can you tell when you've played far too much recreational paintball?
A: When you're hit with something tossed at you and your immediate response is to yell, "Bounce!
No break!".